Twelve Days of Christmas

My Grandma sent me this many years ago and I keep it with the Christmas stuff and read it each year and get a good laugh. It reads:


If your "true love" didn't remember you in the traditional "twelve days of Christmas" style, consider this:

December 14

My Darling John,

I answered the door today and to my delightful surprise the postman handed me a partridge in a pear tree. What a marvelous gift. I just couldn't have been more surprised and pleased.

With deepest love and affection, Your only true love,

Agnes


December 15

Dearest John,

Again today the postman brought me a beautiful gift from you. Just imagine- two turtle doves. I'm so delighted. Your gift is so thoughtful. They're absolutely adorable.

All my love,

Agnes


December 16

My Dear Dear John,

Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French Hens. They're darling. But I must insist you've been far too kind.

Lovingly,

Agnes


December 17

My Dear Sweetheart,

Today again the postman knocked on my door and this time he delivered four calling birds. Now really, John. They're beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being just too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes


December 18

My Dear Sweet John,

What an absolutely wonderful surprise. Today the postman brought me five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds are beginning to get on my nerves.

With love,

Agnes


December 19

Dear John,

When I opened my door this morning there were six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again. John, they're huge. Where in the world will I keep them, or what will I do with all those eggs they're-a-laying? The neighbors are complaining about the noise and the smell and I can't sleep a wink. Please, please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

December 20

Dear John,

What's with you and all these blasted birds? Now it's seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of lousy joke is this? Bird droppings all over the house. My fingers are raw to the bone from building all these birdcages. I can't sleep. It's not funny any longer so stop it immeadiately.

Sincerely,

Agnes


December 21

OK Buster. What in the world is going on? What in Sam Hill am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? I prefer the birds. It's not enough with all those birds and maids, they had to bring all their cows with them. The lawn is a mess. You have to be careful where you step, and the house smells awful. I'm warning you-lay off.

Agnes

December 22

Hey, Jerk, what are you, some kind of weirdo Today there's nine pipers piping. All they do is chase the maids. The cows are giving too much milk. The neighbors refuse to buy the milk. The birds are all screeching because of the playing pipers and the maids refuse to eat goose eggs. What am I supposed to do? The neighbors have started eviction proceedings against me. I'll get you.

Agnes

December 23

You rotten knucklehead. Now there's ten ladies dancing. All they do is dance all night long. I don't have enough food storage to last many more days. They're eating me out of house and home. All the cows are getting sick, all the milk is going sour and the board of health is threatening to condemn the place. I've had it, you stupid blockhead. I'm calling the police.

One who means it--------Agnes

December 24

Listen you goon. What's with eleven lords a-leaping? All those maids and ladies and pipers are driving me nuts. All 23 of the birds have been trampled to death. I hope you're satisfied.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

December 25

Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on my client. Miss Agnes McFurry's destruction was of course, total, and she is now at Happydale Sanitarium where attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. Enclosed please find a bill for all damages and a warrant for your arrest.

Yours truly,

O.F. Baily
Attorney at Law